In Her Mind
by In Darkness Is Light
Summary: Kai and Hilary become good friends over the years. This is about her thoughts on their friendship. Slightly implied KaiHilary [Story is in 2 Parts]


Disclaimer: I don't own anything but this story!

**Part 1:**

And in this moment she realized, that no, he was not the type who said she was beautiful or always flattered her. But he loved her, she knew he did, and for her, in this moment, she realized that was enough.

She appreciated his warm smile on cold days, and the way he always knew just what to say to make her day. She loved that he was honest and most of all she loved all his imperfections, no matter how much grief they'd caused her. She loved the way he laughed, even though, when he did so, his voice was harsh and his facial features would have been found unpleasant by most. It was no sound of bells, his laugh, but it was his and that made it better than any laugh she'd ever heard.

She didn't care that he was cold and distant, or that most days he wouldn't be able to crack a smile. It didn't matter to her that they fought so much, even though the fighting caused her pain.

There were many times when she would have gladly given him up, forgotten him and his friendship, like an umbrella forgotten in the rain. But she knew deep down, that if she ever did give up, she would regret it. So, she braved a smile each time when she was hurting, and apologized even when it wasn't her fault.

She knew that he was sorry but his pride sometimes overcame him and so, she knew that it was up to her to make the first step back to friendship. Though if asked, she would have gladly had him make the first move, at least once. She often pondered whether keeping this up was worth it, whether he cared about her just as much as she did about him. She suspected his love and friendship was an on and off matter, that it varied day by day, but she realized it really didn't matter to her.

No matter what happened with him, she would always love him just the same. It hurt her, she won't lie, it hurt when she realized this and every time she felt down about him, she reminded herself of the good times. They were good indeed, mainly consisting of his superior ability to cheer her up when she needed it most, or to make her feel loved when she was lost.

All, in all no words could describe what she felt. It was everything and nothing. It was love and it wasn't love. It was stronger than friendship, yet not on the levels one would think. In the end she knew it would be all right. So they got on each other's nerves a lot. They had always apologized and forgave the other. So they weren't dating. She didn't think it would be a good idea anyways. So they didn't have all these perfect moments. They weren't needed. So they had their hardships. They had over come them. So they exasperated and frustrated the hell out of one another, they never gave up. So they'd never be the perfect notebook romance. They didn't care.

It mattered not to them that the other was perfect, or pretty. It mattered not that they were always to scared to say the thing that would have pushed their friendship further, perhaps making it flourish into something more. It didn't even matter that they had hated each other at times.

All that mattered was that they would be, forever more, irreplaceable to the other. That if they lost each other, they feared, they might lose a part of themselves. He was there for her when she needed him, he had proved to be one of the best friends she'd had, and to her, that was all that mattered. She was also frightened, afraid, that if she did give up on him, her life would end. Pathetic, she knows. Yet, there was something about putting the energy and effort into making their friendship worked that simply completed her.

She knew that for a while she wouldn't find another him and that she didn't really want to find another him. They may have brought out the worst in each other, but they also brought out the best. For, while he was her storm cloud, she was his sunshine and she knew that after every storm comes a rainbow or sunshine, so she'd put up with that storm cloud any day and drown the dreary sorrows from inside.

**Part 2:**

She knew she'd never find another him.

No one that ticked her off, or pushed her to the edge as much as he. No one that made her as happy, or whose smile she cherished more. No one that would understand her as well as he, or made her laugh as easily as he did.

Many liked her, and she liked many, yet it just didn't feel right knowing that he was out there, ready to make her smile. For no one could make her smile, laugh, cry, and scream just like he did, or as easily. She cursed loving him sometimes because it made her feel too many emotions all at the same time. She cursed him sometimes because while she was his sunshine and would do anything to make him happy, she knew that on those dark and sorrow filled days of his, she couldn't feel sorrow either.

She had to be brave, for both of them. For if not for her, their friendship and happiness would perish. She knew this all too well and yet, it gave her comfort that she was one of the few who could make him feel like this. Make him feel joy, happiness, and for a bit of time, forget about his sorrows.

Of course she was always like this. An oxymoron in itself. She was selfish, yet would do anything for someone she cared about, like him. She was never happy herself, yet knew how to make others happy. She hated the world and yet loved life. She was a storm cloud, yet brought others sunshine. She was bitter, yet most would describe her as sweet. She didn't really believe in love, yet she was a hopeless romantic. She would never give up, but she would stop trying. She was wise beyond her years, yet was a kid at heart. She was honest, yet sometimes, she was living a lie. She hated fighting, yet she was good at it. She was so sane that it made her crazy. She had a good memory, but she could hardly remember anything important. But their friendship was more than important, and for that, she'd be forever grateful and would not forget him, no matter how much it hurt.


End file.
